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==Descriptions, definitions, synonyms, organizer terms, types of==

"I Messages" vs "You Messages"

An "I message" is a statement that tells the listener what you a) see, b) think or feel, or c) want in an objective manner that does not assign blame or put the listener down. A "you message" is a statement that assigns blame or puts the listener down. When Using "I messages", you often only need to say what you see or what you want.

STEP ONE: Understand when to use and how to use "I" statements in place of "you" statements and other harmful statements.

STEP TWO: Look for opportunities to use "I" statements. 

STEP THREE: Practice giving "I" messages in your daily conversations.

I Messages http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap13/chap13g.htm

Assertive language includes "I" statements. I-Language Assertions are especially helpful when expressing negative feelings. The focus in the I-Language Assertion is on the "I feel" or "I want" part of the statement. When expressing anger, the goal is to express your own feelings respectfully and avoid blaming the other person, flying off the handle, or getting caught up in the emotion. Using "I" statements helps to constructively focus anger and be clear about your own feelings.

I-Language Assertions:
http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets/assert/assertive.html

==Application in classrooms and similar settings==

 Examples:
         
    You Message: "Can't you see that the dog needs to go out? Why can't you be more responsible."
  
 I Message: "I see that the dog needs to go out."

     
    You Message: "The dishwasher's been sitting there full all day. What are you waiting for; a written invitation to unload it?"
 
 I Message: "The dishwasher needs to be unloaded now."

     
    You Message: "What a slob; get your clothes out of here."
 
 I Message: "Put your clothes up please

I Messages & Problem-Solving http://www.rpeurifoy.com/parentng/I-messag.htm

==Evidence of effectiveness==

"I" messages should come from the true feelings of a person. 
Instead of blaming others, "I" messages helps the person tell another how his/her behavior makes him feel. 
People can relate and deal better with feelings then with name calling or accusations brought on by strong feelings. 
When a people focuses on the way they are feeling, they begin to understand why they are feeling as they do. When they understand, they can do something positive about it. 
One of these positive things is telling the other person how s/he feels and trying to discover together positive ways to overcome negative feelings. 
Example: 
1.I feel (state the feeling) when you (state the specific behavior), because (state the effects it has on you). 
2.I feel sad when you talk about me behind my back, because I feel betrayed, because I though we were friends

Problem-Solving

There are four basic steps to effective problem-solving. They include:

Clearly define the options (the choices) you have. 
Gather information as to the positive and negative aspects of each option. 
Become aware of which option generates the most positive or least negative feelings. 
Choose one of the options. 
You can assist a child in steps one, two, and three when the child is trying to resolve a problem that does not directly concern you. An example would be when the child is having difficulty with a friend.

When using this process to resolve a problem that involves both of you, begin by stating the problem as you see it with an "I message". An example would be: "I want the front room cleaned by seven each night. Do you have any ideas on how we could work together to accomplish this?" Once you state your "I message", be prepared to use your active listening skills. As you listen to your child's perceptions and needs you will often find the keys to reaching a solution that will be satisfy both of you.

A simple formulation of this process that works well with young children is:

What happened? 
Why do you think that happened? 
How do you think you could do things differently next time? 
This simplified approach can be used for a wide variety of potential learning situations such as when a child spills milk or injures him or herself.

I Messages & Problem-Solving http://www.rpeurifoy.com/parentng/I-messag.htm

==Critics and their rationale==

Common problems 

Many of us experience such strong (unexpressed) needs to be blameless, to blame the circumstances or others, to change others and so on, that it is difficult to avoid using whatever "power" we think we have to control others. "You" statements seem to come naturally. 

If you decide to openly disclose some strong feelings, many people will quickly urge you to suppress your feelings. For example, if you tell a person, "I'm really depressed," the person is likely to say, "Cheer up!" or, in other words, "Don't talk about it." Strong emotions make some people uncomfortable; disclose slowly with them. 

It is quite common for a beginning psychology student to become so obsessed with what words he/she is using that the concern with how-to-say-it is inhibiting. A learner can lose his/her emotional spontaneity for a while, until the new skill is well learned. Later, you will be a better communicator of feelings than ever before--at least more clear and tactful. Another confusion is that empathy responses (method #2) are often "you" statements. However, "you feel..." in empathy is a tentative, inquiring statement, whereas "you are..." statements are dogmatic oversimplifications. There is a big difference in intent, if not in actual words. 

In some cases, depending in part on your tone of voice and demeanor, an "I" statement may not differ greatly from a "you" statement. If a parent yells, "I feel furious and want to beat the hell out of you when you don't do your work and get smartalecky," this is similar to "You are a smart-mouthed, defiant little punk." Blame is clearly indicated in this angry "I" statement, and it certainly makes demands on the child. This can become a power struggle. Ideally, non-blaming "I" statements should lead into problem-solving and better relations. A no-lose approach would work better (see method #10).

I Messages http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap13/chap13g.htm

==Alternative explanations due to '''Diversity''' considerations==

I messages can be effective if used correctly with any age or group of people.  An "I message" is very helpful for stating feelings appropriately and in a nonthreatening way.

 When (behavior) happens, I feel (feelings)  because __________.

I Messages http://www.casc.cc.ok.us/reginawylie/i_messages.htm

==''Signed'' ‿life experiences‿, testimonies and stories==
I statements, since I began using them over 5 years ago have seemed to make the students I work with more understanding of how their actions effect others.  They are using them more and the whole class seems to be more empathetic of one another, and I attribute that to the use of I messages.

Effectiveness, advantages and dangers 

There is little or no research assessing the effectiveness of this method, although several writers praise it, as I do. 

There are certain apparent advantages as mentioned above. "I" statements do not offend as much; they may reduce defiance and encourage compliance. Also, as you formulate "I" statements in your own head, you become more aware of your true feelings. Likewise, explaining yourself to another person often clears up your own thinking and views about a troublesome situation. 

"I" statements are more likely to improve a relationship, certainly better than demanding, whining, asking accusatory questions, manipulating, accusing, and criticizing will do. There are no known dangers, except the problems mentioned in above.

I Messages http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap13/chap13g.htm 

I find it necessary to teach my students how to talk to each other in a respectful manner in my classroom. Other than taking the time to practice using polite words, I also take time to teach my children how to express their feelings in a way that does not promote conflict. I feel that "I" sentences are a necessary component of non-confrontational language. I discuss with them how they feel when someone blames them or attacks them. We also talk about how we can share our feelings and resolve conflicts by listening to each other. I have noticed a great decrease in arguments and name-calling when my students use "I" statements effectively. --Amanda P. 
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With an I-message you take over responsibility for your actions. An I-message is a very direct way to tell people if this is right or wrong what I have done. If students have learn to use I-messages they will make big progress in taking over responsibility and learn a lot of confidence too.  --Felix Autenrieth

"I-Messages" are really big in the school in which I teach.  At the beginning of each year, the school social worker comes into the classroom and teaches both the teachers and the students how to effectively use "I-Messages" to communicate needs and wants.  This direct-teaching helps develop common language with which to communicate, as well as gives the students and the teacher an opportunity to practice this type of communication in a guided setting with instant feedback from the social worker.  "I-Messages" are sensitive and communicate needs in a respectful manner, rather than a manner in which admonishes the behavior and places blame on a student.  Students respond better to "I need you to...", than they do to "You are not being..."  -D. Jacob (June 2006)

This is a very important conflict resolution strategy.  My experience has been, in teacher-teacher discussions, in teacher-student discussions, and in student-student discussions, the use of “you‿ messages immediately brings the receiver to a defensive position and promotes antagonism and anger.  While it may make the deliverer of the message feel better (momentarily) for having vented anger or directed blame, it does little, if anything to actually dispel confrontation and come to a satisfactory compromise.  As they say, “you attract more bees with honey‿ it seems that wording of difficult conversations is critically important in coming to a positive conclusion.  While close attention may be paid initially to proper phraseology in conflict resolution, after some experience, it becomes second nature.  --Pat Reed


I have found I-messages quite helpful in interractions with others, particularly with my family--and with what other group of people is tension more likely?  Recently, I have incorporated language about needs (i.e. Glasser); we all have needs and we all have ways of attempting to satisfy those needs.  Often in my family, conflict occurs when one person's method of satisfying their needs comes into conflict with another person's needs.  For example, "Mom, I have a need for peace and quiet, and when you come in and turn on the radio as loud as it goes, my need for peace and quiet is not being met."  Or, "Dad, I have a need for justice, and when you come into the room and yell at me about picking up my things, while your things aren't picked up, my need for justice is not being met."  Then, the task is to find a way for both people to meet their needs that doesn't interfere with the other person's needs.  --Steve Hetzel

I use I-messages with my students on a daily basis.  I have found them to be very effective to keep the classroom atmosphere more positive and enjoyable.  I think keeping this positive atmosphere is very important to good classroom management.  I learned I-messages through Love and Logic and it has been one of the most important classroom management tools I have learned.  B. Moore

==References and other links of interest==

I Messages & Problem-Solving  http://www.rpeurifoy.com/parentng/I-messag.htm

I Messages  http://www.casc.cc.ok.us/reginawylie/i_messages.htm

I Messages  http://mentalhelp.net/psyhelp/chap13/chap13g.htm

I Messages - a counter argument http://www.nhny.org/i_messages.htm

[http://www.amazon.com/Crucial-Conversations-Tools-Talking-Stakes/dp/0071401946 Book: Crucial Conversations]