Friends with Benefits

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Descriptions, definitions, synonyms, organizer terms, types of

Wikipedia defines "friends with benefits" as:

A casual relationship (also referred to as a friend with benefits) is a term used to describe the physical and emotional relationship between two unmarried people who engage in uncommitted sex acts. The intent is generally to relieve sexual frustrations through an alternative to masturbation, and is not intended as a romantic relationship. Both parties are free to date and engage in sex acts with other persons. This type of a relationship effectively gives the people involved an outlet for their sexual urges without the potential stress and time-demands of a committed relationship. Two people may elect to become friends with benefits because they are unwilling to commit to a full-fledged relationship for whatever reason.


The electronic Urban Dictionary is a slang dictionary where people enter in their own definitions of words. For "friends with benefits" a relatively new phrase, there were many responses with number one having the highest rating to number twelve having the lowest. This means more people agreed with number ones definition.

According to the electronic Urban Dictionary, "friends with benefits" is defined as:

1. Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment (Anonymous, 2003).
2. A safe relationship, that mimics a real partnership but is void or greatly lacking jealousy and other such emotions that come with a serious relationship.
3. A physically involved relationship, where both partners enjoy some comforts of sitting on the fence between serious relationship and simple friendship.
4. Any relationship that can only be categorized as being between Friends and Partners, also referred to as More then friends (Holmes, 2005).
5. Friends by day, sex partners by night(Gennady, 2003).
6. two fairly close, or very close friends have the hots for one another. they do have some sort caring for one another, but it is not one of a romantic couple (Ian, 2004).
7. Two friends, a man & a woman, with a casual dating relationship; the benefits can be long,deep,flirting conversations, or jack and jill sessions, or mutual masturbation, or make-out sessions which can include just an exchange of oral sex or penetration sex without commitment (Jake, 2004).
8. This is another word for a Booty Call. Usually 1 person ends up getting hurt (the female) because her feelings become involved. Its rare for the man to get hurt because most men don't confuse feelings with sex like us women do. If you think you can accept this type of relationship thinking it will evolve into something more later, you are wrong! Expect a lot of CLOSING TIME calls. That means the bar is closed and he didn't find anything better so he calls you for booty (Kelley, 2004).
9. Two very good friends that share in sexual acts with each other with no emotional connection or boyfriend-girlfriend label. Just engaging in the act of sex for fun (Eric, 2005).
10. Two friends with a very casual dating relationship. The benefits can be really good, long, flirty conversations; make-out sessions with no commitment; sex without commitment; etc (Lane, 2003).
11. A healthy loveless sexual relationship with one or more partners (James, 2003).
12. When men only want sex and don't want to commit to the woman they're having it with (Jackie, 2004).


Go Ask Alice is a website through Columbia University's health question and answer internet site. Here are some things Alice had to say about "friends with benefits".

"For the uninitiated, "friends with benefits" is a fairly recent term to describe friends/acquaintances who hook up. "Hooking up" is a convenient way to describe the activities since it wipes away the 1st base/2nd base clarity and covers all variety of sexual encounters. The friends involved might be bosom buddies or only minor acquaintances; they might be an ex-couple still enjoying the benefits of their now-ended relationship, or a pair who'd never met before deciding to set up to hook up. How things begin often determines how things proceed: whether it's a one-time event, a frequently recurring appointment, or anything in between. Sometimes, friends with benefits have an equal part in what happens and when, and sometimes the ball sits very firmly in one partner's court."

While many girls insist they receive sexual attention during hookups, just as many boys say hookups are mostly about pleasing the guy. Michael Milburn, professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts, Boston, and co-author of the book Sexual Intelligence, an examination of sexual beliefs and behaviors in America, says that the boys' take is more accurate. Most of the time, it's the younger girl performing fellatio on the older boy, with the boy doing very little to pleasure the girl, (Denizet-Lewis, 2004).

Statistics for "Friends with Benefits"

In Katie Couric's special the 411 Teens & Sex some interesting stastics were shared with viewers.

Almost every parent has heard some shocking story but we wanted to get the truth behind the rumor mill. So along with PEOPLE Magazine, NBC News commissioned an unprecedented national poll of 1,000 teens between the ages of 13 and 16. Using scientific methods, the survey provides some of the first real numbers on the sexual attitudes and behaviors of young teens.

14 percent of 13 and 14-year-olds say they are sexually active, which means they have gone beyond kissing. That number jumps to 41 percent when kids reach 15 and 16.
We not only questioned 1000 teens, we also polled their parents. And not surprisingly, the generation gap still exists. In fact, it may be wider than ever.
27 percent of young teens say they have been with someone in an intimate or sexual way.
But according to our poll, half of the parents of those teens think their kids have done nothing more than kiss.
Our survey revealed that about one in eight -- that's 12 percent -- of young teens between 13 and 16 have had oral sex. An almost equal, 13 percent, have had intercourse.
According to our national study, 40 percent of sexually active young teens have had oral sex at least once to avoid having intercourse. 68 percent also say they did it to avoid pregnancy.
Nine in 10 young teens who have had oral sex say they know it puts them at risk for sexually transmitted diseases, but only three in 10 always use protection.
And 77 percent of the young teens we surveyed agree that oral sex is sex. But it seems it’s not considered a rite of passage. More than half say kids who have only oral sex are still virgins.
How common is friends with benefits? Well, of the kids who are having oral sex or intercourse -- about half of them say they've done so in a casual relationship.

And in fact there is good news. Our survey shows that seven out of ten teens, between the ages of 13 and 16 are not sexually active and haven't really gone beyond kissing (Retrieved on Aug. 1, from, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6872269/).

Application in and effects on classrooms and similar settings

There are many different sex education programs in our country that teach teenagers about their bodies and sexual intercourse. It is all pretty much cut and dry due to the fact that we have two opposing political parties that run our country and pass lesilation pertaining to education.

For example Michael Milburn states,
Both conservatives and liberals have their respective blinders on when talking about teen sexuality, says Milburn, co-author of Sexual Intelligence. I can think of nothing more important than getting in schools and talking about sexual intelligence and healthy relationships, but most conservatives don't want an open and honest discussion about teen sexuality, and they oppose any conversation that doesn't focus on abstinence until marriage. And many liberals will resist any discussion that might touch on the negative consequences of unbridled sexuality. The conversation we need to have with teens is: 'What's the role that sexuality should play in an emotionally healthy person's life? What are the different ways that people can be sexual? What are the potential dangers?' (Denizet-Lewis, 2004).

It is quite apparent in our society that sex education has to be supplemented with teaching at home. The well known "Today" show co-host Katie Couric believes she is responsible for keeping the communication open with her teenage daughter about sex.

As the mother of two girls, ages 9 and 13, Couric has her own theory on discussing sex with her teenage daughter. Couric said sex "needs to be a constant discussion. It's not one discussion about the birds and the bees and then, `Phew, that's it."'(Lang, 2005)

Trends in Relationships

The last time American teenagers seemed this uninterested in monogamous, long-term relationships was the 1930's and early 1940's, when high-school popularity was largely equated with social (but not sexual) promiscuity: the cool kids had lots of dates with lots of different people, while the losers settled down with one person or didn't date at all. This more-the-merrier philosophy played itself out most significantly on the dance floor, where there was nothing more embarrassing for a young woman than to be stuck with the same boy all night (Denizet-Lewis, 2004)
Then WWII changed everything with its male shortage, by 1959, 47% of brides were under 19, and those who weren't reported going to college to find a husband.
By the late 60's and early 70's, the rituals of high-school dating had taken on an almost prehistoric cast. The rules -- boy calls girl, boy asks girl out, boy drives to girl's house, boy talks to girl's dad, boy takes girl to movies, boy has her home by 11 (or else) -- were viewed as restrictive and old-fashioned, not to mention sexist. And that's pretty much how things stood until the Reagan era, when dating made a serious comeback. Many teenagers settled down into a mix of serial dating and going steady -- being popular often meant having a highly coveted boyfriend or girlfriend. And while parents may have felt, as they typically do, that they didn't always understand teenage culture, most still thought they had a pretty good idea of whom their kids were talking to regularly. Teens still had to call the home to reach the person they were interested in, Bailey says. But then came cellphones and the Internet.(Denizet-Lewis, 2004).
The decline in dating and romantic relationships on college campuses has been deplored often enough. By 2001, it had become so pronounced that a conservative group, the Independent Women's Forum, was compelled to take out ads in college papers on the East Coast and in the Midwest pleading with students to Take Back the Date. But their efforts don't seem to have paid off. The trend toward hooking up and friends with benefits (basically, friends you hook up with regularly) has trickled down from campuses into high schools and junior highs -- and not just in large urban centers. Cellphones and the Internet, which offer teenagers an unparalleled level of privacy, make hooking up that much easier, whether they live in New York City or Boise (Denizet-Lewis, 2004).
And here we are in the current generation of "friends with benefits" and "hooking up".

Critics and their rationale

There are many adults and young people who do not agree with the concept of "friends with benefits" or "hooking up".

Here are a few examples:
David isn't the only teenager who used the word dirty to describe hookups. Inherent in the thinking of many teenagers is the belief that hooking up, while definitely a mainstream activity, is still one that's best kept quiet. And underneath the teenage bravado I heard so often are mixed feelings about an activity that can leave them feeling depressed, confused and guilty (Denizet-Lewis, 2004).
According to Professor James'Theories of Social Development a "friends with benefits" relationship definitely will not work due to people's jealousy, selfishness, and emotions. He says that these three factors alone will keep this kind of a relationship from working.
Dr. Drew Pinsky, co-host of Loveline, a popular, nationally syndicated radio program that has some two million listeners and that was featured on MTV, doesn't buy it. It's all bravado, he says. Teens are unwittingly swept up in the social mores of the moment, and it's certainly not some alternative they're choosing to keep from getting hurt emotionally. The fact is, girls don't enjoy hookups nearly as much as boys, no matter what they say at the time. They're only doing it because that's what the boys want.(Denizet-Lewis, 2004).
Wendy Shalit, whose book, A Return to Modesty, embodies what has been termed the new chastity, also says she believes that girls are being manipulated, but by a society that tries to convince them that they should act like boys, turning sexual modesty into a sign of weakness or repression -- something young women are taught to be embarrassed about. In the age of the hookup, Shalit writes, young women confess their romantic hopes in hushed tones, as if harboring some terrible secret. (Denizet-Lewis, 2004).

Alternative explanations due to Diversity considerations

Dating practices and sexual behavior still vary along racial and economic lines, but some common assumptions, particularly about suburban versus urban kids, no longer hold true. Parents often think that teenagers who grow up in cities are more prone to promiscuous sexual behavior than teenagers in the suburbs. But according to a comprehensive study sponsored by the National Institute of Child Health and Development, more suburban 12th graders than urban ones have had sex outside of a romantic relationship (43 percent, compared with 39 percent)(Denizet-Lewis, 2004).
Straight teens have abandoned the rituals of dating, while gay teens have taken them on, says Peter Ian Cummings, the editor of XY, a national magazine for young gay men. The Internet, Cummings says, has made it possible for heterosexual teenagers to act the way most of straight society assumes gay men act.(Denizet-Lewis, 2004)


Signed "life experiences", testimonies and stories

When researching this topic I came across this testimony by Tasha T. from the website Hotspots.com, an entertainment and lifestyle network for urban professionals. In her statement she discussed the pros and cons of having a "friend with benefits" relationship.

She states, "I have often wondered what it would be like to have a "friend with benefits" or the so-called "bed buddy arrangement". Well, now I know. Experiencing this kind of arrangement "bed buddies" comes the pros and the cons.
Lets start with pros. Having a so called "arrangement" gives one the freedom to come and go as they please. There's nothing to tie one down with commitments like a relationship has. A person gets the freedom and the space that he or she requires. There is the ability to make decisions without regard to someone else's feelings, there are no long-term ties, but always having the option to have some physical giving of the other party.
This all sounds fine and dandy, but with this comes the cons. Let's face it we are all human, and the one fault that we all have in common is the emotional caring for friends and family. This isn't considered wrong, but it can mean the termination of a good friendship as well as the non-commitment physical relationship between two. People can not honestly say that if they have the friend that they have the "roll in the hay" with, be it once a week or once every three months, that they do not start to develop feelings for each other. One has to be able to get past this or deal with it in a manner where it does not come to interfere with the relationship or it will be doomed.
So if you are in this kind of arrangement, stop and take a step back and analyze the situation. Do you secretively care for this person? Do you hope that more will come in time? And how much does this person mean to you in your life?

Another testimonial

I have had friends with benefits before and it is a very complicated relationship, despite what it is supposed to be like in theory. Emotions always get in the way and a lot of the time when a woman encourages this type of relationship, it's the male that starts getting emotional. I have been on both ends of the spectrum. From my point of view, I catch emotions because I start talking to that person more often, trying to get to know them. From a man's point of view, in my opinion, sex can be a weakness; therefore if the sex is great to a man, he starts to think of it more often with that particular "friend". Once he gets this person on his mind constantly, he thinks he is "in love," and then the emotions start to flow. Ty Martin

I have an interesting perspective of friends with benefits. Many times, "friends with benefits" comes up in reference to high school students and younger. However, the University’s Greek social scene has many situations of "friends with benefits." While I find the practice of "friends with benefits" in college to be a little immature, there are many people in the Greek community that choose not to commit and merely enjoy sleeping around. In all of the cases of this that I have seen, many people end up getting hurt, the partners don’t fully understand what the other wants or needs. This leads to miscommunication and, in many cases, much collateral damage among friends. From everything that I have seen, friends with benefits do not work in college; people seem to have outgrown it. Matt Munley

Just this year I have a lot of high shool students talk about "friends with benefits." I do not know if this is more common this year or if more studetns are just willing to talk about it out in public. Do high school students really understand what "friends with benefits are?" It seems to me that many people would start to develop feelings for these partners over time. I think "friends with benefits" is more of a bragging game or just trying to hide your true feelings about someone. Bret Helms

In any school setting, the idea of "friends with benefits" was something that occurred. I have heard students talking about "friends with benefits." In most cases, it is strictly used for bragging. I think that it is important for students to develop meaningful relationships with people and that most instances of "friends with benefits" are done strictly due to the fact that those people are afraid of intimacy. -Nick Hartz

I can't understand why people put themselves in situations like these. I can't see how any good can come out of it. I had a close friend in college that was in a "friends with benefits" situation. She kept telling herself and me that she was enjoying just spending that time with this guy and it was okay for him to not recognize her existance when seeing her in public. She finally stopped seeing him because she couldn't stand that he wanted to be with other girls too. I wish she had more self-respect. But she learned from this experience. M. Rice


It makes me sad to think about this topic. I am not judgmental about this type of thing, but I just don’t understand how engaging in this type of behavior can be healthy. I don’t understand the lack of intimacy in such an intimate act. I wonder if those engaging in this type of behavior are actually disconnected to themselves and engage in these sex-acts in order to express their own personal detachment. –J.Blanken-Webb

Just playing Devil's Advocate to the last few posts, perhaps it IS the disconnect that people are looking for. Maybe, in this "friends with benefits" circle they are allowed to have social interaction with this person, and if the need arises (so to speak) for a more intiamate interaction, there is an understanding that this can take place. Now, I don't always advocate for this but in the adult world--trust me--much stranger things are happening. Where it DOES become bothersome is when it happens with teens, who don't have the emotional or cognitive stability to really think through this decision and its reprecussions. -M. Hanes

I hear people talking about friends with benefits all the time. I have been in this situation and it always seems to turn into something alot more serious and people always seem to get hurt. I don't see how anyone can have a prolonged relationship with someone and not develop feelings for that person above and beyond meer friendship. Maybe it can be done, but I couldn't do it. I have been involved with guys who just want to be friends with a little extra on the side, but for me I always tend to develop feelings for them and then I end up getting hurt. Thank goodness I am happily married now and hopefully won't ever find myself in this situation again.--M. Smith

References and other links of interest

Couric, K. (2005, Jan. 31) the 411 Teens & Sex. NBC News. Retrieved Aug. 1, 2005, from http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6872269/

Denizet-Lewis, B. (2004, May 30). Friends, Friends With Benefits and The Benefits of the Local Mall. New York Times. Retrieved Aug. 1, 2005, from http://209.157.64.200/focus/f-news/1144851/posts

Lang, D. J. (2005, Jan. 25) Katie Couric takes on sex in NBC News special. Retrieved Aug. 1, 2005 from http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/news/archive/2005/01/25/entertainment1313EST0602.DTL&type=printable

Professor James' Theories on Social Development. Retrieved Aug. 1, 2005, from http://mywebpages.comcast.net/jbond529/theories/friends_benefits/friends_benefits.htm

Check out this National Public Radio talk show featuring Benoit Denizet-Lewis on "friends with benefits".

Wikipedia discusses Friends with Benefits under Casual sex.

If you have questions about sex Go Ask Alice

More info on friends with benefits

Friends with Benefits is a twisted college comedy that examines the role of relationships in college life. Order it here

For more information on the "friends with benefits" situation, listen to Christina Aguilera’s Get Mine, Get Yours.

The New York Times Discusses friends with benefits in an article on teens today

Retrieved from "http://wik.ed.uiuc.edu/index.php/Friends_with_Benefits"